So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
