This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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