i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize