They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
she woke up with a sticky ear
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
