dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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