He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
