I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
