I bet he comes in French.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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