I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
