I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
