You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
