My hand turned me down
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
