You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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