She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
