Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
