I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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