Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
