I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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