I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
