I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I want to fling myself into the sun
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
