Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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