So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
