so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
