the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
