I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Can you bring me the toilet please
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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