Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
