I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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