I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize