planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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