I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
