I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize