Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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