Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
