Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
