My girlfriend figured out who you are.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Drake has all the answers
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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