Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
