it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
