I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
