guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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