What a fucking waste of an outfit
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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