i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
jump out the window naked night went bad
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