i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
