also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
