there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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