roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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