I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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