you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize