Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
