happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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