so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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