well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
