I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
