I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
