I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
