Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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