just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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