Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
