so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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