Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
