On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
