some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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