he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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