totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
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No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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