When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Your penis caused this!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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