I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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