I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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