Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
