dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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