i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
