Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
