I'm really into asian looking animals
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
