what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
