Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I think I just sharted jello shots
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
