My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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