true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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