Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
